I am always gaining then losing then regaining then relosing about 5 pounds. It seems nothing but to me it matters. I am not going to talk numbers because it can be triggering to some readers. But I weigh virtually every day. I write down the weight on my paper log. I calculate how much I gain or lose or if I maintain. I love eating chocolate, pasta, cheese, tasty desserts…but when I become too close to a certain weight, oh, I do eat, but I try to reduce as much as possible the choccies, the carbs, fat and sweet. And I exercise, although I don’t like it much. Because the worst thing is not to attain “my” maximum weight. The worst would be to go over it and never stop.
For 2 days now I’ve been unable to go out. The weather has been gloomy but not that rainy but that’s not the main reason why. I feel stressed at the idea of leaving the house, walking to the bus stop, taking the bus and finding myself alone in a city I yet know by heart. It’s been ok cos I could focus on nice shows or films and my doggie makes appreciated company. But in January I am going to work on my redeployment after a one year + sick leave. I do want to work again, but knowing my latest job took my sanity and almost took my life, it’s understandable that I should feel nervous – excuse the euphemism.
I usually don’t take more pills than the ones in my daily pill box. But a few times I’ve been taking an extra Tranxene. I know I won’t be addicted to it like I was to Xanax because its soothing effects last much more longer than Xanax. This was one of those days. I needed the extra Tranxene because I felt oppressed without a reason. Or maybe – let me think – the reason is that in 2 days we will discuss with the administration about a new, safe, adapted to my condition job. And I’m scared about getting back to work. And this has nothing to do with laziness. My last job almost cost me my life. Plus I had the 3 most horrible months in my entire life (and God knows I’d been through a lot before that).
I grabbed my pencil, coloured pencils and felt pens again. I love to do fanart, especially when the Web “celebrity” or cool blogger I make the portrait of gives it a like.
And I’m also a huge fan of the holidays season so my Instagram contains plenty of pictures of shiny, animated xmas villages.
I usually don’t discuss politics on the Internet but I must say I was a bit scared by the right wing party’ score to the regional election in France yesterday. Of course it was predictable after the Paris attacks. Many ignorant people believe that we have to get rid of or lock in all the “nasty Arabic Muslims” in France. Thing is, only a minority use religion as a pretext to kill whilst most of the people of North African’s origins, whether Muslims or not, are peaceful people like you and I. Extremism is not a solution, whether it is in politics or in so-called religion.
This was a quiet day with my family. We had lunch out and then went shopping for Christmas and buy stuff for ourselves too. My dad wanted some high tech gadget and my brother needed wrapping paper. While the men were together in a shop and the girls (my mum and I) some other place my mum bought tee-shirts, for my bro, that she’ll offer him on Christmas day. I myself bought a bag that matches my galaxy print clothes since none of the other (numerous) bags I have don’t go well with that kind of print.
Gosh! This post sounds tedious!
On Monday I had to see a psychiatrist expert hired by the insurance company of my employer to determine whether my present state was still bad enough and the consequence of the mental burnout I suffered at work. I’ve been on sick leave for more than a year and my employer’s insurance company doesn’t want to spend more on me, of course. But the shrink was such a bitch. She considers that my mental state is the same as before the burnout. Excuse me? I had a hip replacement at only age 31! I have nightmares about me jumping from buildings or being locked in the psych ward. Hello! You call that back to normal?!