Anxiety

I usually don’t take more pills than the ones in my daily pill box. But a few times I’ve been taking an extra Tranxene. I know I won’t be addicted to it like I was to Xanax because its soothing effects last much more longer than Xanax. This was one of those days. I needed the extra Tranxene because I felt oppressed without a reason. Or maybe – let me think – the reason is that in 2 days we will discuss with the administration about a new, safe, adapted to my condition job. And I’m scared about getting back to work. And this has nothing to do with laziness. My last job almost cost me my life. Plus I had the 3 most horrible months in my entire life (and God knows I’d been through a lot before that).

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3 thoughts on “Anxiety

  1. Hey, Lulu. Thought I’d stop by and say hello. 🙂 I feel your struggle! (Left a reply to your comment back at my place). You know, I read about people taking medicine and being able to work and speak and stuff while working through their issues, and always feel (even still) a tinge of envy. Not because I want to go back to taking meds again, no! But I was one of the most severe cases that doctors had ever seen. When they initially brought me into the hospital (and I mean the psych. ward), I was mute. I couldn’t speak or even talk. I had completely lost the ability to do that. I hadn’t slept in who knows when- I had lost the ability to do that too, and eating was a foreign thought too. I felt like a wild animal, trapped in a cage without having a way to express what was happening to me- because I didn’t even know. All I knew was that somebody had turned the light off, and I couldn’t find the door. I was like that for many weeks. I didn’t even see it coming. I just sort of started spinning out until I went too far.

    I think, personally, being sexually abused a child was probably the root issue. I had never received treatment for it and had barely even told anyone about if for many years. It damn near killed me. Anyway, I too had to take a ridiculous amount of antipsychotics, antidepressants, mood stabilizers, nerve pills and sleeping pills daily- yearly. I never in a million years thought I’d have another chance to live life like others. Like a NORMAL PERSON, right? Right. 🙂

    For 5 years now, I’ve been a psychology student- online- but hey, it’s the same thing. At first, it was really hard. I had to go back into myself with a blanket and a sandwich and take carer of that terrified child. Once the broken me was able to trust the “trying to fix me” me, I began to heal. The psychology studies have helped me tremendously. They’ve patched me up and I’ve become my own therapist- and client. :0) Because now I know enough to apply what I’ve learned to me- myself- instead of a therapist just talking words at me.

    There were many days where I was scared to move forward, but I did. I just kept moving forward. And that was five year ago. I’m no longer the same person, and I’ve been able to get my life back. Never give up inside. Always believe that you have a chance. Because you do. x

  2. aaaw thank you for your long, moving comment. I’m sorry you went through so much 😦 ! And though I’ve never experienced it myself, abuse probably makes anyone go crazy but being in the psych ward and popping large amount of pills to treat that is insane. I’m so glad studying psychology helped you. Personally I’ve been studying it by myself through books and later through moocs and I find it so interesting but applying it to myself doesn’t really work. I’m more a creative person who finds fullfilement in art, writing and singing. Every one has a way to cope. I’m glad you found yours and that I found mine, even if there are still downs and bad days. Now I will read your answer on your blog! XOXO

  3. You know, it’s funny- I could tell that you’re an artist (too) by your pics. ;0) If people like us didn’t “get it out” via our art, that would probably be the ultimate torture I think. I’ve had plenty of days where writing songs on my piano/acousitc guitar and “singing out the pain” was my only relief. (That and prayer.)

    I by no means wanted to come across as condescending, or worse, a snake oil salesman! But you’re right- we all have to do what works for each of us. I do still take “medicine”- just not the kind that’s sanctioned by society. (And that’s all I can say about that…heheh.) But it WORKS. I just went through 4 weeks without anything at although, and well…er…it was a bit dodgy to say the least. it’s good to remind myself that underneath my form of medicine, there’s still a lot of work to be done. But hey, progress, not perfection, eh?

    Thanks for sharing your story/ies too! x

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