He verbally hits on me and it’s getting confusing.

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OOTD + news

DSCN8647Today I have another appointement with Mr Handsome. I’m getting less excited/edgy/nervous/crazy with time. It’s becoming more of a deep friendly feeling for him within my heart and less of a romantic and sexual attraction. It’s safer this way. I’m writing my 3rd book (in French) although my 2 first ones were never published. I guess it is more like a therapy than a way of becoming a promising, well-known writer.

Drawing, dressing, loving, sighing

I’m still practising my art. Sometimes it’s good, sometimes it’s not that good, but never mind…

gothloli

13259101_126827554400827_1290279025_nStill dressing whimsically…

…and loving Mr Handsome who is still taken but I’m less affected by this “detail” and respect his marital status (but a quick hug is not cheating uh?)

And leaving the practise with nostalgia and withdrawal symptoms.

Getting home and waiting for the dinner and then the night TV show and then to bed, hoping I will dream about Mr Handsome (which is not cheating either).

Damn! Life!

Tricked

mv5bmja1nzmznjqwmv5bml5banbnxkftztgwmzgxnzu5nte-_v1_uy268_cr30182268_al_I like watching “social” documentaries. Netflix provides some. I chose to play Tricked which deals with prostitution and sexual slavery.

Now I heard some pros and cons about prostitution. Some girls say they have chosen to earn a living through selling their bodies, others say that prostitution helps contain some pervs’ urges and that if there were no more prostitutes they would sexually assault girls against their will.

I’m not judgemental about the girls who do this for a living, but this documentary clearly shows the downsides: the risks, the violence, abuse, disrespect, manipulation etc.

I’m glad I could clearly avoid this trap, because my parents have money (although I did work a student job in a museum every weekend and during the holiday), because I have always been prude and even at some point scared about sex, because I wasn’t hooked on drugs etc. so I did not go down this dreadful path.

I’ve been through a lot…so have many other people.

2014-12-05 11.40.07 Strangely, my long, deep, severe depression from the age of 12 till the age of 24 was something I had eventually accepted, forgiven to life/God/fortune/whatever and I no longer considered myself as a victim.

Then I had to go through another ordeal at the age of 30 (see My work burn out story) and it took me a long time to accept the physical and mental pain I went through.

Then I looked around me, and more specifically on the World Wide Web. People with disabilities that cause them pain 24/7 but who still smile and have hobbies and do stuff with friends. People with the worst mental illnesses (severe anorexia, schizophrenia…). People in a wheelchair not for 3 months and a half like I was, but for the rest of their life. And on TV: migrants who risked their lives and are now living in the worst sanitary conditions in my own country.

So I have started to accept that the excruciating ordeal I have been through happened and will always be a part of my already chaotic difficult existence. And I’m ready to go on with this past experience included in my life.

I may cry and complain and feel sorry to myself once in a while. But I will keep on living.

Childfree is a choice

I don’t know what’s gonna happen in the future.

I’m living a day at a time.

The thing I am sure of  is I musn’t bring down a child with me in this story. Even if I am feeling balanced one day, I must remember I can slip at any time and be a burden to myself and closed ones and a liability I must take care of/who must be taken care of, so nope, no place for a kid in my tumultuous existence. Stop telling my mum she’ll have grandchildren when talking about me. My brother may have kids some day. I’ll be a great aunt. Not a great mother.

OOTD

Today I dressed Victorian-inspired.

I’ve just washed my hair which explains the towel on my head. 🙂

Hope it’s gonna be a great day. Seeing Mr. Handsome this afternoon, I hope my emotions won’t mess up with my social life and mental health.

160520-100831

I nailed it

17.05.2016

Sometimes you need to focus on mundane things like doing your nails to feel a lil bit better and think less about what’s hurting you.

I literally harrassed a former teach and friend on the FB instant message because she would not answer and I thought she was mad at me for whatever reason. She was just über busy! I apologized using the word “sorry” 3 times in the same sentence and I am going to give her a break for a while.