Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas

Whether you are Christian, Pagan, Atheist or other, may this day bring you peace and unconditional love.

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Man: I am shocked by it’s an event related with laws! Wow! Where are u from? My Goodness! Which country’s law regulates that cancelling an job interview violates people’s right? Woo…

Me: [name of the person] In France when you sit for a pannel interview and are called a few days later to learn that you succeeded and have been hired, it is an official offer of employment, and cancelling it afterward is illegal. I think in your tongue you call my country 法国, the country of law and indeed, law applies to hiring process too. If I hadn’t been hired in the first place, I would have accepted it as fact and moved on. But I was given hope by an official promise and commitment and this hope and the trust was broken so I ended up feeling very depressed and had insomnia and panic attacks for a week. Besides, and this is worse, my reputation was tainted by someone who did not have the right to display any personal and medical information to my future employer. I was portrayed as an asocial, problematic, disturbed person and even out of the context of work this is utterly unfair and here again, illegal. I am sorry that in your country people can’t fight back that easily in case of injustice regarding hiring process and defamation.

About school harassment

I dream that I defend myself against my harrassers. But in my dreams, I still fear them. I fear their humiliating ways.

” Buy yourself a look.”

“You’re an outcast, an untouchable . “

” If I were given the choice between snogging L. or a piece of shit , I would not hesitate , I would choose the big shit . “( I imagined later kidnapping and threatening them, with a turd before their nose and forcing them to “snog it”,  just to watch their reaction. I bet they would feel much less confident!

Almost all of ‘em would conspire against me : my male classmates. I was never beaten, but the insults were painful enough. Every day, constantly, for four years. I do not know how it made them feel , maybe it made ​​them come, those pigs!

I bet they have forgotten me, that they’d not even recognize me today. I have not forgotten. I still dream about it sometimes, I’m going on my 30s and it dates back from junior high school, but I still dream about it at night.

I began to contemplate suicide at that moment , without really knowing how to do it, without really being decided. I was barely twelve.

Sometimes I tell myself that if I am a lesbian – or think I am – this is because almost all the guys in my class behaved like big assholes towards me for four years. I did not become an extremist guy-hater feminist, but I have a hard time trusting men. I’m not saying that girls were super nice to me at the time. They were poshy bitches who criticized my clothes and urged me to fit into society’s mould – which I did – so they would “tolerate” me in their band, but I have not suffered the same level of violence and humiliation from them. And ultimately , I made ​​real girl friends who accepted me as I was and respected me.

I did not provoke them, but they always came to me to bury me under their vile insults. I just wanted to be left alone. I was not trying to please anyone, but at least could they leave me alone?! No, they couldn’t.

I bet they do not think about me now, I know nothing about their current life, but if I learned that they are in trouble I’d certainly not feel sorry for them.

I’m gonna be 30 and I still dream about it.

Regarding positive thinking

Thinking in a positive way is great.

Trying to get rid of the negative thoughts is great.

But sometimes asserting positive sentences won’t work on you if you suffer from severe depression, anxiety or phobias.

It is OK to listen to sad songs, they can help you push out the sadness that is inside you. I used to sing that kind of songs and it was like expressing all my pain away. It is also OK to write about how you feel to heal your wounds. Or to draw the monsters that torture you if you have drawing skills. Or to moan in therapy.

However it is good to also try and spend time with people who are fine and will assert positive things about you. Usually, when your self-esteem is really, really low, it is easier to believe good friends’ positive words about you than your own positive assertions. It is faith more than the assertions that help you get in a positive mindset. When you have gained strength and have started feeling better, positive thinking and higher self-esteem will become natural to you.

So, to summarize, don’t blame yourself for not being able to be and think “positive”. Express yourself first.