Drawing my faith

july starseed (4) At one point in my life I felt the need to write down my childhood story and I came up with a lot of mystical experiences such as the following one :

Sometimes I became meditative and contemplative. At nap time in nursery school, the navy blue curtains seen in the feeble light of the resting room vaguely reminded me a feeling both mysterious and familiar from outer space. We also had relaxation sessions. In the nursery school there was a kind of amphitheatre. We would lay in the center of it, on the orange linoleum and I contemplated the high ceiling in the middle of which a roof window let me catch a glimpse of the sky. One day while gazing at it I remember being filled with huge unexplainable feelings of hope and peace. Then I heard my own voice in my head asserting: “They are here. I must not be afraid.

My pseudo is “Lanterna” because of a dream I had about a mesmerizing lantern with a blue flame rising in the night.

But I am not your typical New Age girl. I tried about anything and everything spiritual to heal my depression, social phobia, GAD etc. like meditation, yoga, reiki, acupuncture… and it took me a long time to realize what would work on other people wouldn’t necessarily work on me.

I manage with my “otherness” my own way: love is very important. I never had a significant other but I have close friends and a caring family and a sweet dog.

I draw a lot. My favourite illustrations are my children carrying lanterns ones. magus_childlutinlantbleue

I can perceive the light spirits around me when I go to bed. Their energy is even too powerful to handle sometimes.

I see life as an experience; while I try to enjoy it, I know it’s not my end-in-sight.

I’m getting more and more “grounded” but I still need to express my longing for outer space…

1000 likes; Thank you!

likeable-blog-1000-2x I apologize to those who follow me for the lack of posts these last weeks. I have been busy with trying to find a new job that fits both my abilities and disabilities. I also have made another step towards independence since I will soon have my own flat. I need to see my physiotherapist on a regular basis due to my right groin pains but I won’t complain much about it bc the treatment is massages and they are quite pleasant. 🙂

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Hiatus

output_xulegbgifI know, it’s been a while, almost one month. What’s happened?

Well, my friend with the brain tumor had to be hospitalized because of her new treatment. She texted me she was out and better a few days ago. Phew. I was really scared.

My former teacher on Facebook doesn’t want to answer any of my private messages or comments anymore. I felt sad, I cried, I felt a heavy weight on my chest…no explanation. I did all I could to reach out to her, but it’s no longer up to me. I have to accept the situation.

I have started taking singing lessons! I did so when I was 15, but I decided I had to train and practise again with someone qualified, and she genuinely thinks I have some potential.

I’m seing Mr Handsome (my physiotherapist) for massages after suffering from groin and back pain for months.

I have another job in sight, part time, other workplace.

In other words, life goes on!

Lucky

I’m stuck at home with the dog. It’s hard for me to go out except to take her for a walk because I feel like I’m not walking out alone (which is actually the case – I have my dog with me).

Those dreams haunt me every night: I’m a college student but I fail at everything and my schoolmates are harsh with me. In real life, I obtained my Degrees. Or I’m at work and I’m overwhelmed by the red tape. In real life I’m still on sick leave.

I’ve had panic attacks again.

And also, I keep thinking about “my downfall”. What if I had remained disabled? What if I was very badly handicaped? I mean not only being unable to walk, but even worse!

I have always said my life was shitty, at least since I was 12, but nowaday I surprise myself thinking – and believing! – that I am so lucky.

My back hurts once in a while and my right groin is painful when I cross my legs or lifts my right leg to get in the car. But I’m fine. Really. I’m lucky.