Hiatus

output_xulegbgifI know, it’s been a while, almost one month. What’s happened?

Well, my friend with the brain tumor had to be hospitalized because of her new treatment. She texted me she was out and better a few days ago. Phew. I was really scared.

My former teacher on Facebook doesn’t want to answer any of my private messages or comments anymore. I felt sad, I cried, I felt a heavy weight on my chest…no explanation. I did all I could to reach out to her, but it’s no longer up to me. I have to accept the situation.

I have started taking singing lessons! I did so when I was 15, but I decided I had to train and practise again with someone qualified, and she genuinely thinks I have some potential.

I’m seing Mr Handsome (my physiotherapist) for massages after suffering from groin and back pain for months.

I have another job in sight, part time, other workplace.

In other words, life goes on!

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No love life

I don’t know if I addressed this problem before, but I have never really been in a romantic relationship with someone, be it a girl or a man.

There are however people who mean a lot to me in my life and for whom my feelings are confused and confusing.

All I want is to keep in touch.

But for some of them, it is already too much. One of them used to chat with me and support me and laughed with me on social media and then suddenly decided it was over.

Even the smallest I have/had is not for granted.

I only have romantic relationships in my dreams. How pathetic is that?

Why hast thou forsaken me?

I kept in touch with a teacher who has always meant a lot to me but these last weeks – or months? – she has been ignoring me on social media, never answering my PM, or saying she was busy but still posting tons of stuff on her page and answering to her OTHER friends.

Yesterday night I felt the need to draw something out of this frustratring and saddening situation and I don’t know if she saw it and read it but she hasn’t answered yet.

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A big fear and one year older

Today’s my birthday. I’m getting along with the fact that I’m over 30 and slowly, but surely, going on my 40s (although still in my early 30s).

Yesterday night my dog Jasmine swallowed toad venom. She vomitted and we were panicky. We called the vet who told us to give her a bath, wash her mouth with the shower head and to give her paraffin wax. Now we didn’t not have paraffin wax. it was 11 pm and no pharmacy was open. We called a vet center on night care to ask if they were willing to sell us paraffin for our dog. The vet on the phone was very kind and said that olive oil would work equally. Thanks God we had that! Jasmine is perfectly fine! Phew!

Back to my Bday; you know what was my best present? The friend/former teach of mine who I thought rejected me by not answering my text messages on FB wrote to wish me a happy Bday and explained she was just trying to spend fewer time on social media. Phew!

I think it’s going to be a good day.

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Quiet

So I’m getting used to live without emotional excitment and turmoil.

My parents and bro are on holiday, so we go out together for summer shopping, eat out, and bathe in a small dismantable pool in our garden we bought a couple days ago.

I haven’t be able to reach my ill friend because she’s been busy which seems to be a good sign (she must feel good enough to do so much stuff). I sent her some snail mail.

I also found an older book from a well-known French feminist punk writer at the library and the reading is pleasant.

I cling to the little things. And it’s going ok.

PS: I’m slowly coming back to drawing and watercolour painting

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Emotions

My feelings have always brought me much joy and much misery. Even in my early 30s I am still not really capable of protecting myself against the damages of unilateral love and co-dependency. So that’s why I had a panick attack right after I left Mr Handsome’s practise to not see him ever again (well that’s supposed to be the case).

And then I felt this urge to call my former (female) physiotherapist who I care a lot about but who felt overwhelmed by my co-dependency. I had sent her this sms with hints of huff stating “that I understood she doesn’t want me in her life”, “I don’t want her to be a source of suffering to me”, “and so farewell” (I assured her that I wasn’t going to top myself off however. “Farewell” can be misinterpretated when coming from a suicidal person (aka me)). So I had sent this message a few months ago. Then I tried to recontact her saying I was breaking my “farewell” statement because a friend of mine had cancer and I needed advice (she also works with energies, that stuff). She did not answer. And then, so, today, I called the practise and she talked to me on the phone. I apologized for my behaviour (aka the nasty sms) and she accepted my apologies. But at that moment I wanted to see her face to face. So I walked miles to find her practise (she used to visit at home when I was disabled) and I was scared she would send me packing but here she appears, smiling and radient, and allows me to hug her! She says she hasn’t got much time though, so I ramble quickly about my place in the universe, the starseeds and so, she gets it, we speak the same language. It’s heartbreaking to leave her, but at least we made up.

*Sigh*

Yesterday was my penultimate session with Mr. Handsome.

We were quite wise. I mean no hitting on each other (or almost) as a game. Well it’s a game for him, but my feelings are genuine.

He gave me a looong warm hug at the end of the session. His heart was beating fast (It was the 3rd time it has happened) so I guess he does have feelings for me too but I respect the fact that he’s a faithful husband and nothing else will happen between us.

I’ve begun to accept the fact I may not see him again after the last session. Unless I wait for him some Tuesday afternoon downstair in front of the medical building like I already did.

It is so funny to think I chose a male physiotherapist thinking I was 100% lesbo and it was safe. Turned out I’m bi. Twice as much choice eh? Unless I fall for unavalaible people.