Everybody feels like shit once in a while.
Sometimes the old negative thoughts go through my mind again. But the new thing is I fight them. I don’t wallow into “I’m not good enough” or “my life sucks” thoughts. I convince myself I’m just feeling vulnerable at the moment and the thoughts are not objective. I try to count my blessings. Think about what I’m grateful for. And then I feel less shitty and frustrated. But most of all I tell myself: I’m going nowhere with negative thoughts. They make me useless and depressed. Lashing myself won’t make me a better person and seeing my life as shitty won’t improve it. SO I HAVE NO OTHER CHOICE THAN WORKING WITH POSITIVE THOUGHTS.
My psychological and emotional state fluctuates for no apparent reason . One day I am anxious and / or depressed from the morning onward; the following day goes well, oh it’s not heavens, but it ‘s okay. (Apparently) nothing special happened in the meantime. Today I enjoyed reading my favorite monthly magazine, this book on street art borrowed from the library, while waiting for the bus and while traveling in it. Drinking a cup of coffee in a diner. Finding a little card for my medievalist to write her on the pretext of wishing her a happy Halloween. And feeling hopeful for a while: A part-time job may be waiting for me.
I sometimes think : self- persuasion , positive thinking , I need to dig into it. As I’ve said before it was not possible in the past, My mind was too broken , too sticky. But the little antipsychotic might have done its job. And I have done mine . I think I need to continue taking this big white pill and repeat positive sentences at bedtime.
I need to keep in mind that I have the right to take care of myself. Actually, I ought to.
Too many people committed suicide because of bullying.
Well you should NEVER EVER feel bad about what the bullies say to you because THEY ARE WRONG and you ARE NOT THEIR PROPERTY. You do not belong to their opinion, vision, point of view. You belong to LIFE, and no one can decide what YOU AND YOUR LIFE ARE WORTH. No one’s opinion is superior, no one is superior in this fucking world. We all pee, poo, fart, and fucking kick the bucket in the end. So no one is here to dictate their law and rule over YOUR LIFE.
I was not a spoilt child. Firstly, because my parents did not have much money at the time. Secondly, they taught us the value of honestly-earned money. And thirdly, because as long as I had sheets of paper and crayons, I was happy, for I loooved drawing, and thanks God it’s cheap.
No, I did not so much need things. But I needed exclusive love. From my mum in the first place. How jealous I was when my brother was born. Later I became co-dependant on my female teachers. When you’re past 16, 18, 20, that’s a disorder. I suffered from this co-dependency for about 10 years. I harrassed the teachers I loved. I had panic attacks and withdrawal symptoms when I couldn’t be with them. I phoned (some of) them, mailed them, and could even speak aloud, addressing them while they were not here (!). I still do that sometimes, but less often. I also talk to God, or the divine, whatever you call It.
You probably go through the same but with a girlfriend or a boyfriend. You think you’re just in love. But trust me, when the relationship brings about more pain and insanity than it gives happiness, that’s neither safe nor sane.
Someone once told me (and I read it again in a wise book a few days ago): Are you good company to yourself? Because the person you’re going to spent the most time with is yourself. And I’m sorry if my words hurt, but nobody can be there for and support you 24/7 if you’re not good company to yourself, meaning if you don’t respect yourself, trust yourself, love yourself, and treat yourself with happiness.
I’m always complaining. But today I had a good reason to do it. I had a terrible migraine last night, slept poorly. I was sicky all day. But I started to feel better around 11 am. And then I realized how happy I was…to just not suffer physically. I was so drowsy that I did not have anxiety today. I realized: “should I be sick physically to stop being sick mentally?” Hell no. I am going to enjoy the fact that I’m in good health.
I was too weak to do anything, so I listened to relaxing music, sometimes sleeping, sometimes meditating. And then I played the verses of the Bible (there’s actually a website where you can listen to records of the verses of the Bible. This way I could rest my eyes).
What matter is: What can I do to feel good here and now without jeopardizing my future?
Wonderful (free) music on the Internet to relax, meditate and feel connected to something bigger.