Hiatus

output_xulegbgifI know, it’s been a while, almost one month. What’s happened?

Well, my friend with the brain tumor had to be hospitalized because of her new treatment. She texted me she was out and better a few days ago. Phew. I was really scared.

My former teacher on Facebook doesn’t want to answer any of my private messages or comments anymore. I felt sad, I cried, I felt a heavy weight on my chest…no explanation. I did all I could to reach out to her, but it’s no longer up to me. I have to accept the situation.

I have started taking singing lessons! I did so when I was 15, but I decided I had to train and practise again with someone qualified, and she genuinely thinks I have some potential.

I’m seing Mr Handsome (my physiotherapist) for massages after suffering from groin and back pain for months.

I have another job in sight, part time, other workplace.

In other words, life goes on!

Lucky

I’m stuck at home with the dog. It’s hard for me to go out except to take her for a walk because I feel like I’m not walking out alone (which is actually the case – I have my dog with me).

Those dreams haunt me every night: I’m a college student but I fail at everything and my schoolmates are harsh with me. In real life, I obtained my Degrees. Or I’m at work and I’m overwhelmed by the red tape. In real life I’m still on sick leave.

I’ve had panic attacks again.

And also, I keep thinking about “my downfall”. What if I had remained disabled? What if I was very badly handicaped? I mean not only being unable to walk, but even worse!

I have always said my life was shitty, at least since I was 12, but nowaday I surprise myself thinking – and believing! – that I am so lucky.

My back hurts once in a while and my right groin is painful when I cross my legs or lifts my right leg to get in the car. But I’m fine. Really. I’m lucky.

Busy not being busy

Here I am home alone again on sick leave.

Work has been tough, mainly because of workplace relationships which I will not go into detail.

So I keep myself busy not being busy. I play with and walk the dog, surf the WWW 90% of the time, watch Netflix and do a little artwork.

This is my first painting on canvas in years. I am not really good at painting on canvas but here we go.

mar canvas (1)

LGBTQ+ post (bigots look away)

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Stef Sanjati is a twenty-something Canadian Youtuber who addresses the topic of transgender issues as a transwoman herself. She also updates her transitioning process for her viewers and recently had a FFS (Facial Feminization Surgery).

I have been following Stef for quite a while on various social media : Instagram, Youtube, Twitter…and her physical – and psychological – transformation thanks to estrogen prescriptions, testosterone blockers and the latter which I already talked about: Facial Feminization Surgery. She insists on the fact that FFS is not a whim and has nothing to do with cosmetic surgery. In fact, its aim is to treat her gender dysphoria, a destructive feeling that what she sees in the mirror is not who she really is: that is, a woman.

Moved by her story and fascinated by this brilliant make-up artist I started making fan art, from the day Stef started T-blockers and had blue and purple hair, through her transitioning when she dyed her hair a green and blonde ombre and finally set up for Californian blonde, always keeping her natural white streak…white. What you need to also know about Stef is that she has Waardenburg Syndrom, which manifests the following way:

  • Very pale or brilliantly blue eyes, eyes of two different colors (complete heterochromia), or eyes with one iris having two different colours (sectoral heterochromia)
  • A forelock of white hair (poliosis), or premature graying of the hair
  • Appearance of wide-set eyes due to a prominent, broad nasal root (dystopia canthorum)—particularly associated with Type I) also known as telecanthus
  • Moderate to profound hearing loss (higher frequency associated with Type II);
  • A low hairline and eyebrows that meet in the middle (synophrys)
  • Patches of white skin pigmentation, in some cases (…)

[Source: http://www.wikipedia.org]

She is ok with it and even jokes about her “cute alien face”.

I thought her peculiar features (even after FFS, which didn’t dramatically change her appearance) were interesting to study for drawing.

I was honored to get “likes” from her on the pictures of her I posted on my Instagram account. Other artists have made her their muse and have made extraordinary beautiful artwork inspired by Stef.

This post features a sample of the portraits I made of Stef, the latest one including her very cool and understanding parents.

I am not going to stop here and while Stef continues to stand for who she is and transition I will try to improve my drawing skills using her awesome physical features as an inspiration as well as getting more and more educated about transgenderism in a world where prejudice against LGBTQ people are still very stigmatizing.

I wish Stef all the very best in her life and gives her a big thumb up for being a great advocate of the trans community as well as – I am sure of it – saving miserable trans kids’ lives who consider committing suicide because of the lack of acceptance, mockery and hatred towards them.

I hope I too have opened some people’s minds through my post.

Health news

After 2 years under the exact same medication, which seemed to work quite well on me, I had to discuss the dosage with my shrink because it makes me drowsy and I get up quite late every morning. ATM I’m only working on the afternoons so it’s ok, but we have to think long term. I may have to start work in the morning in months, probably not as far in time as I had hoped.

Following my shrink’s instructions, I lowered the dosage of Seroquel from 300 to 150. Tercian drops used to be 30, I now take 27.

I noticed I have had withdrawal symptoms since then and it’s not cool when you’re trying to do your best at work. I mailed my shrink, he told me to hold the decrease in dosage until I meet him early in February.

For now, I am unable to tell if I will actually be able to start work in the morning again one day. But I won’t worry over it, because I put my health first.

How Goth can be a positive thing?

First of all, I will begin this post by telling everyone that I am not a “real” Goth, because I don’t really like the music and according to many Goths I talked to, music and the scene are mainly what make you Goth. That being said, I could be considered as a “Nu goth“, someone who dresses  gothy but doesn’t listen to the music.

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Yes I like corsets, lace, velvet, black velvet, burgundy velvet, spikes, skulls; I also like the comic character “Nemi”, horror films and Halloween. I know Evanescence and Within Temptation are not Goth bands but metal bands, I read enough of The Goth Bible to know that Christian Death, Siousie Sioux, Bauhaus…are Goth bands, but I don’t like their music and I won’t force myself into listening to it to feel “Goth enough”.

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That being said, let’s go back to my title: How Goth can be a positive thing? Indeed, too many people believe that Goth subculture is about self harm, depression and suicide, Death worship or worse, Devil worship.

I’ve been through hell, really: I’ve been suffering from depression, anxiety, social phobia, bullying, possibly borderline personality disorder, spent time in a psych ward, tried to kill myself several times.

But this has NEVER had to do with my involvement in the Goth subculture; instead, wearing dark clothes with skulls and spikes helped me express my pain in another way than self-harming. Watching horror movies was a way to increase adrenaline without putting myself in danger. Nemi is very funny, in a sarcastic way, I had a good time reading the comic books. Halloween fills me with joy and energy, I decorate the house, dress up to welcome the trick or treaters at my door…

When I started recovering after being stuck in a wheelchair due to a 2-storey fall, the first thing I wanted to do was to put on my black and red Queen of Darkness long skirt, a black velvet top and get my streaks dyed red again.

I HAVE NEVER worshipped any kind of evil entity; I don’t belong to a religion, but I believe in the Divine, a universal energy of Light and unconditional love.

To me, Goth is a way to express my darker creativity without harming myself or anyone else.