I know, it’s been a while, almost one month. What’s happened?
Well, my friend with the brain tumor had to be hospitalized because of her new treatment. She texted me she was out and better a few days ago. Phew. I was really scared.
My former teacher on Facebook doesn’t want to answer any of my private messages or comments anymore. I felt sad, I cried, I felt a heavy weight on my chest…no explanation. I did all I could to reach out to her, but it’s no longer up to me. I have to accept the situation.
I have started taking singing lessons! I did so when I was 15, but I decided I had to train and practise again with someone qualified, and she genuinely thinks I have some potential.
I’m seing Mr Handsome (my physiotherapist) for massages after suffering from groin and back pain for months.
I have another job in sight, part time, other workplace.
In other words, life goes on!
I’m stuck at home with the dog. It’s hard for me to go out except to take her for a walk because I feel like I’m not walking out alone (which is actually the case – I have my dog with me).
Those dreams haunt me every night: I’m a college student but I fail at everything and my schoolmates are harsh with me. In real life, I obtained my Degrees. Or I’m at work and I’m overwhelmed by the red tape. In real life I’m still on sick leave.
I’ve had panic attacks again.
And also, I keep thinking about “my downfall”. What if I had remained disabled? What if I was very badly handicaped? I mean not only being unable to walk, but even worse!
I have always said my life was shitty, at least since I was 12, but nowaday I surprise myself thinking – and believing! – that I am so lucky.
My back hurts once in a while and my right groin is painful when I cross my legs or lifts my right leg to get in the car. But I’m fine. Really. I’m lucky.
I don’t wanna write about how sick leave is still necessary and the thought of going back to work disturbing (aka nightmares).
I have nothing interesting to write about home alone days reading or watching videos.
So here are four outfits from the first four months of the year.
Bad dreams in which I’m back to work
Colleagues are angry, nothing works
I force myself to cope
But there is no more hope
I wake up unrested though I slept for hours
Where are my powers
Here I am home alone again on sick leave.
Work has been tough, mainly because of workplace relationships which I will not go into detail.
So I keep myself busy not being busy. I play with and walk the dog, surf the WWW 90% of the time, watch Netflix and do a little artwork.
This is my first painting on canvas in years. I am not really good at painting on canvas but here we go.
After 2 years under the exact same medication, which seemed to work quite well on me, I had to discuss the dosage with my shrink because it makes me drowsy and I get up quite late every morning. ATM I’m only working on the afternoons so it’s ok, but we have to think long term. I may have to start work in the morning in months, probably not as far in time as I had hoped.
Following my shrink’s instructions, I lowered the dosage of Seroquel from 300 to 150. Tercian drops used to be 30, I now take 27.
I noticed I have had withdrawal symptoms since then and it’s not cool when you’re trying to do your best at work. I mailed my shrink, he told me to hold the decrease in dosage until I meet him early in February.
For now, I am unable to tell if I will actually be able to start work in the morning again one day. But I won’t worry over it, because I put my health first.
I haven’t read a novel in weeks (actually I’ve been reading the same book about laicity, and how to apply it in the French society, schools and workplaces without offending religious people – very interesting).
I haven’t drawn anything in a few days and I need practising again or my ability will remain unimproved.
Work is going fine. But I can’t figure myself starting work early in the morning yet, so I need my medically required part-time to be carried forward for at least six more months.
Regarding my mental health, it’s fine. I haven’t really been depressed or anxious in quite a long time, except when thinking about people who seem to have let me down, but c’est la vie.
There’s been quite a lot of anxiety in my life these days. I can’t tell exactly why. Strangely (and fortunately), it is not about work; on the contrary, I’m glad to have something to do in the afternoon other than spending my time in front of a computer.
On a positive side, I have continued to doodle for my personal satisfaction and welfare.
Let’s be honest, I can’t dress Goth or head-to-toe Lolita on my workplace.
I started my first working days with classic clothes, with a very little touch of vintage:
Vintage/modest rockabilly works perfectly well in an office. I play with hairbands and headbows.
Today I tried a casual lolita look. The frills are ok when they are only at the top or the bottom of the outfit.
I like the challenge of keeping part of my style but fitting in a non-creative workplace.
I wasn’t sure I would be able to draw a sketch a day for #inktober but it’s been 15 days now and I have my 15 drawings!
As for work, I had to make some things clear with the staff (like not giving me the same boring and repetitive task to do for half a working day!) and all seems fine now.