At one point in my life I felt the need to write down my childhood story and I came up with a lot of mystical experiences such as the following one :
“Sometimes I became meditative and contemplative. At nap time in nursery school, the navy blue curtains seen in the feeble light of the resting room vaguely reminded me a feeling both mysterious and familiar from outer space. We also had relaxation sessions. In the nursery school there was a kind of amphitheatre. We would lay in the center of it, on the orange linoleum and I contemplated the high ceiling in the middle of which a roof window let me catch a glimpse of the sky. One day while gazing at it I remember being filled with huge unexplainable feelings of hope and peace. Then I heard my own voice in my head asserting: “They are here. I must not be afraid.“
My pseudo is “Lanterna” because of a dream I had about a mesmerizing lantern with a blue flame rising in the night.
But I am not your typical New Age girl. I tried about anything and everything spiritual to heal my depression, social phobia, GAD etc. like meditation, yoga, reiki, acupuncture… and it took me a long time to realize what would work on other people wouldn’t necessarily work on me.
I manage with my “otherness” my own way: love is very important. I never had a significant other but I have close friends and a caring family and a sweet dog.
I draw a lot. My favourite illustrations are my children carrying lanterns ones.
I can perceive the light spirits around me when I go to bed. Their energy is even too powerful to handle sometimes.
I see life as an experience; while I try to enjoy it, I know it’s not my end-in-sight.
I’m getting more and more “grounded” but I still need to express my longing for outer space…
I have been having fun with ink pens and gel pens. This is the penultimate inktober sketch before the ultimate one on Halloween day tomorrow! I don’t know if you have noticed but here in France Halloween starts a bit later than in the US.
My costume is ready!
My feelings have always brought me much joy and much misery. Even in my early 30s I am still not really capable of protecting myself against the damages of unilateral love and co-dependency. So that’s why I had a panick attack right after I left Mr Handsome’s practise to not see him ever again (well that’s supposed to be the case).
And then I felt this urge to call my former (female) physiotherapist who I care a lot about but who felt overwhelmed by my co-dependency. I had sent her this sms with hints of huff stating “that I understood she doesn’t want me in her life”, “I don’t want her to be a source of suffering to me”, “and so farewell” (I assured her that I wasn’t going to top myself off however. “Farewell” can be misinterpretated when coming from a suicidal person (aka me)). So I had sent this message a few months ago. Then I tried to recontact her saying I was breaking my “farewell” statement because a friend of mine had cancer and I needed advice (she also works with energies, that stuff). She did not answer. And then, so, today, I called the practise and she talked to me on the phone. I apologized for my behaviour (aka the nasty sms) and she accepted my apologies. But at that moment I wanted to see her face to face. So I walked miles to find her practise (she used to visit at home when I was disabled) and I was scared she would send me packing but here she appears, smiling and radient, and allows me to hug her! She says she hasn’t got much time though, so I ramble quickly about my place in the universe, the starseeds and so, she gets it, we speak the same language. It’s heartbreaking to leave her, but at least we made up.
I just learned yesterday that one of my best friends has cancer.
I took the taxi right after I heard the news to meet her (1h30 trip) , could only stay 30 mn before I went back home in a taxi as well, thus spending 600 euros in a day. For a 30 mn meeting. I regret nothing. She looked so fragile, I was so sad, I hugged her and told her to take all the light she needs from me.
I made this for her:
Strangely, my long, deep, severe depression from the age of 12 till the age of 24 was something I had eventually accepted, forgiven to life/God/fortune/whatever and I no longer considered myself as a victim.
Then I had to go through another ordeal at the age of 30 (see My work burn out story) and it took me a long time to accept the physical and mental pain I went through.
Then I looked around me, and more specifically on the World Wide Web. People with disabilities that cause them pain 24/7 but who still smile and have hobbies and do stuff with friends. People with the worst mental illnesses (severe anorexia, schizophrenia…). People in a wheelchair not for 3 months and a half like I was, but for the rest of their life. And on TV: migrants who risked their lives and are now living in the worst sanitary conditions in my own country.
So I have started to accept that the excruciating ordeal I have been through happened and will always be a part of my already chaotic difficult existence. And I’m ready to go on with this past experience included in my life.
I may cry and complain and feel sorry to myself once in a while. But I will keep on living.
I don’t know what’s gonna happen in the future.
I’m living a day at a time.
The thing I am sure of is I musn’t bring down a child with me in this story. Even if I am feeling balanced one day, I must remember I can slip at any time and be a burden to myself and closed ones and a liability I must take care of/who must be taken care of, so nope, no place for a kid in my tumultuous existence. Stop telling my mum she’ll have grandchildren when talking about me. My brother may have kids some day. I’ll be a great aunt. Not a great mother.
Sometimes you try hard to control your mind and your body to lift your spirits up instead of sinking. But let’s be honest, it’s hard: emotions, feelings are hard to control: One moment, you think of someone you miss but cannot see due to various reasons and your heart is instantaneously broken. Sometimes a series of memories of bad events come back striking into your face whilst you thought they were overcome. You want to feel safe and balanced and practise positive thinking but you feel it is not natural, obvious, spontaneous and it may not be working in the end. And yet you keep trying because you must survive, and to survive you need to make your life tolerable and even pleasant at times if possible.
or not. But whatever, keep trying.
T’was one of those -so rare- days without the internet since my mobile’s battery was dead and I could come back to a nice reality spending the day with my best friend flesh and blood, discussing politics, religion, psychology and so and so. Plus it was sunny!
A colleague of my mum asked me to make her baptism announcements for her twin babies. Firstly I drew a female looking angel holding a baby that I doubled symetrically with a software. Then she said she wanted male looking angels because her children are named after Archangels Raphael and Gabriel. The outcome pleased her. I am going to print the announcements!
You may purchase the following original drawings here: https://thebluelanternshop.wordpress.com/2015/04/19/archangels-holding-a-baby/