X ray and bad knews

So yesterday’s x ray showed my femur is broken again and I will probably need an implant.

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Pain and disability

I said in a previous post that I was diagnosed a tendonitis to my right leg. It appears it is not the case. Actually, the surgical plate and screw in my thigh are starting to be quite painful and I will probably have them removed sooner than first expected. I can walk very little and with pain using a crutch. I am a bit anxious about the operation, although my physiotherapist said it a very usual one and should not cause any complication. In the meantime I wanted to ask stronger pain killers to my doctor but he won’t be back until Monday. So I have no other choice than bearing the pain and the lack of mobility.

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Is bad karma gone yet?

I thought the stormy weather would make this day sound gloomy but it was not the case at all. I managed to doodle a gothic lolita on my little sketchbook, surfed the web, played with my poor furbaby who can’t go for a walk today and watched The Crow: Salvation. Although not a great film, I was well focused on the English version with French subtitles and enjoyed the goth aesthetics. Later in the afternoon I watched an episode of Dexter and here again, my focus and interest in the show were good. 

Apart from that something incredible and wonderful happened to me two days ago: after ten years of digital friendship, I eventually met the teacher of an Learn English forum she runs. She was with her husband and her dog, a sweet bitch named Laika. They were all very kind and my friend was cheerful and witty as always. They met my parents when they dropped me home and were offered a bottle of Sauterne which pleased them. I offered my friend a framed drawing I made and she offered me a lovely heart shaped keyring. It seems that the worst days are over, and surviving was a good thing in the end.

Get positive

Strangely these last few days (weeks?) I’ve been dreading to wake up every morning whereas days are going just damn fine. No panic attacks, no depression and no boredom. I draw, read, write, walk (with one crutch due to a tendonitis to my right leg – the one that was operated), watch cool shows in English and can actually FOCUS on them and enjoy watching them, and actually enjoy my life the way it is. I must be more confident about Life. It’s not all shit and darkness.

Emotional chaos

My emotions are a bit chaotic at the moment. Yesterday I called my former lit. teacher who sent me packing without any explanation. We had remained close despite the distance, sending each other cards and gifts. I tried not to feel miserable and tell myself she had her reasons. I called my former Brit. civilisation teacher and she was very kind and warm, telling me how happy she was to hear my voice and how sad my last letter made her feel. Then I had my best friend on the phone with whom I joked a bit like we often do. I tried to join my former female physiotherapist but obviously she doesn’t want to interact with me anymore. Why do people often come and go as fast a shooting star in our lives? I also have to deal with the feelings I have for my male physiotherapist. I try to focus on multiple tasks in the day but honestly when I know I have an appointement with him round 5PM I mostly wait all day and I really really hate it. I must not be dependant. I should have learnt the lesson.