Emotions

My feelings have always brought me much joy and much misery. Even in my early 30s I am still not really capable of protecting myself against the damages of unilateral love and co-dependency. So that’s why I had a panick attack right after I left Mr Handsome’s practise to not see him ever again (well that’s supposed to be the case).

And then I felt this urge to call my former (female) physiotherapist who I care a lot about but who felt overwhelmed by my co-dependency. I had sent her this sms with hints of huff stating “that I understood she doesn’t want me in her life”, “I don’t want her to be a source of suffering to me”, “and so farewell” (I assured her that I wasn’t going to top myself off however. “Farewell” can be misinterpretated when coming from a suicidal person (aka me)). So I had sent this message a few months ago. Then I tried to recontact her saying I was breaking my “farewell” statement because a friend of mine had cancer and I needed advice (she also works with energies, that stuff). She did not answer. And then, so, today, I called the practise and she talked to me on the phone. I apologized for my behaviour (aka the nasty sms) and she accepted my apologies. But at that moment I wanted to see her face to face. So I walked miles to find her practise (she used to visit at home when I was disabled) and I was scared she would send me packing but here she appears, smiling and radient, and allows me to hug her! She says she hasn’t got much time though, so I ramble quickly about my place in the universe, the starseeds and so, she gets it, we speak the same language. It’s heartbreaking to leave her, but at least we made up.

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4 thoughts on “Emotions

  1. Finding one’s own path is the most difficult thing. When I read about your emotional attachment to your therapists my heart aches. Did you ever get a Borderline diagnosis? Contact with therapists should really be none outside scheduled sessions, no relationship whatsoever. It may be the hardest thing to imagine for you, but I really hope you can break free.

    1. Yes one shrink told me i might be borderline. The thing is i just try to survive and clinging to my therapists is one of my survival ways although sometimes it hurts.

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