Hiatus

output_xulegbgifI know, it’s been a while, almost one month. What’s happened?

Well, my friend with the brain tumor had to be hospitalized because of her new treatment. She texted me she was out and better a few days ago. Phew. I was really scared.

My former teacher on Facebook doesn’t want to answer any of my private messages or comments anymore. I felt sad, I cried, I felt a heavy weight on my chest…no explanation. I did all I could to reach out to her, but it’s no longer up to me. I have to accept the situation.

I have started taking singing lessons! I did so when I was 15, but I decided I had to train and practise again with someone qualified, and she genuinely thinks I have some potential.

I’m seing Mr Handsome (my physiotherapist) for massages after suffering from groin and back pain for months.

I have another job in sight, part time, other workplace.

In other words, life goes on!

No love life

I don’t know if I addressed this problem before, but I have never really been in a romantic relationship with someone, be it a girl or a man.

There are however people who mean a lot to me in my life and for whom my feelings are confused and confusing.

All I want is to keep in touch.

But for some of them, it is already too much. One of them used to chat with me and support me and laughed with me on social media and then suddenly decided it was over.

Even the smallest I have/had is not for granted.

I only have romantic relationships in my dreams. How pathetic is that?

Update

I haven’t read a novel in weeks (actually I’ve been reading the same book about laicity, and how to apply it in the French society, schools and workplaces without offending religious people – very interesting).

I haven’t drawn anything in a few days and I need practising again or my ability will  remain unimproved.

Work is going fine. But I can’t figure myself starting work early in the morning yet, so I need my medically required part-time to be carried forward for at least six more months.

Regarding my mental health, it’s fine. I haven’t really been depressed or anxious in quite a long time, except when thinking about people who seem to have let me down, but c’est la vie.

Why hast thou forsaken me?

I kept in touch with a teacher who has always meant a lot to me but these last weeks – or months? – she has been ignoring me on social media, never answering my PM, or saying she was busy but still posting tons of stuff on her page and answering to her OTHER friends.

Yesterday night I felt the need to draw something out of this frustratring and saddening situation and I don’t know if she saw it and read it but she hasn’t answered yet.

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My precious digital life

Like I said I don’t meet friends flesh and blood very often so to compensate I tend to have lots of digital interactions with people from the Net.

The girl I told you about who came to visit me with her bf is a long term digital relationship. I met her through her blog 10 years ago and she was very genuine in her writing, maybe a little bit too much personal on the WWW, but so was I at the time. We’ve met IRL no more than 5 times but we often keep in touch.

And then there are people who are more or less famous – mainly on Youtube – and seem charismatic and they help you learn and think about society issues/topics through their own personal experience: Religion, depression, trans life, alternative fashion…and it’s very nurturing to the mind and to the soul. Sometimes I like to draw fan art for them, like trans (M to F) girl Stef.Sanjati who I have been following for a while now.

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All these people who don’t know me are part of my life, not as friends but as role models and inspirational individuals.

Good news

After agonizing about my friend’s health whilst not getting any contact with her, I eventually managed to join her on the phone yesterday. She’s entered a new medical protocol that seems to have been working so far, so fingers crossed.

As for me I’m getting in touch with friends again: my BFF and I met in my hometown a few days ago and on thursday a girl friend I met like 10 years ago on the WWW who I haven’t seen for a while is coming with her boyfriend.

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A big fear and one year older

Today’s my birthday. I’m getting along with the fact that I’m over 30 and slowly, but surely, going on my 40s (although still in my early 30s).

Yesterday night my dog Jasmine swallowed toad venom. She vomitted and we were panicky. We called the vet who told us to give her a bath, wash her mouth with the shower head and to give her paraffin wax. Now we didn’t not have paraffin wax. it was 11 pm and no pharmacy was open. We called a vet center on night care to ask if they were willing to sell us paraffin for our dog. The vet on the phone was very kind and said that olive oil would work equally. Thanks God we had that! Jasmine is perfectly fine! Phew!

Back to my Bday; you know what was my best present? The friend/former teach of mine who I thought rejected me by not answering my text messages on FB wrote to wish me a happy Bday and explained she was just trying to spend fewer time on social media. Phew!

I think it’s going to be a good day.

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Life is moody

I still have no news from my friend with a brain tumor.

Another friend stopped talking to me on FB’s chat room.

On the other hand, I talked with my best friend on the phone and he’s coming to see me tomorrow.

I saw Mr Handsome again, we couldn’t hug cos there were patients in the room but he sat very close to me and asked me how I was.

It’s roller coasters again. I prefer that to depression downfall but switching from well being to depression is nonetheless tiring and trying. Hope to have a stable mood.