I dream that I defend myself against my harrassers. But in my dreams, I still fear them. I fear their humiliating ways.
” Buy yourself a look.”
“You’re an outcast, an untouchable . “
” If I were given the choice between snogging L. or a piece of shit , I would not hesitate , I would choose the big shit . “( I imagined later kidnapping and threatening them, with a turd before their nose and forcing them to “snog it”, just to watch their reaction. I bet they would feel much less confident!
Almost all of ‘em would conspire against me : my male classmates. I was never beaten, but the insults were painful enough. Every day, constantly, for four years. I do not know how it made them feel , maybe it made them come, those pigs!
I bet they have forgotten me, that they’d not even recognize me today. I have not forgotten. I still dream about it sometimes, I’m going on my 30s and it dates back from junior high school, but I still dream about it at night.
I began to contemplate suicide at that moment , without really knowing how to do it, without really being decided. I was barely twelve.
Sometimes I tell myself that if I am a lesbian – or think I am – this is because almost all the guys in my class behaved like big assholes towards me for four years. I did not become an extremist guy-hater feminist, but I have a hard time trusting men. I’m not saying that girls were super nice to me at the time. They were poshy bitches who criticized my clothes and urged me to fit into society’s mould – which I did – so they would “tolerate” me in their band, but I have not suffered the same level of violence and humiliation from them. And ultimately , I made real girl friends who accepted me as I was and respected me.
I did not provoke them, but they always came to me to bury me under their vile insults. I just wanted to be left alone. I was not trying to please anyone, but at least could they leave me alone?! No, they couldn’t.
I bet they do not think about me now, I know nothing about their current life, but if I learned that they are in trouble I’d certainly not feel sorry for them.
I’m gonna be 30 and I still dream about it.