I know, it’s been a while, almost one month. What’s happened?
Well, my friend with the brain tumor had to be hospitalized because of her new treatment. She texted me she was out and better a few days ago. Phew. I was really scared.
My former teacher on Facebook doesn’t want to answer any of my private messages or comments anymore. I felt sad, I cried, I felt a heavy weight on my chest…no explanation. I did all I could to reach out to her, but it’s no longer up to me. I have to accept the situation.
I have started taking singing lessons! I did so when I was 15, but I decided I had to train and practise again with someone qualified, and she genuinely thinks I have some potential.
I’m seing Mr Handsome (my physiotherapist) for massages after suffering from groin and back pain for months.
I have another job in sight, part time, other workplace.
In other words, life goes on!
Bad dreams in which I’m back to work
Colleagues are angry, nothing works
I force myself to cope
But there is no more hope
I wake up unrested though I slept for hours
Where are my powers
I haven’t read a novel in weeks (actually I’ve been reading the same book about laicity, and how to apply it in the French society, schools and workplaces without offending religious people – very interesting).
I haven’t drawn anything in a few days and I need practising again or my ability will remain unimproved.
Work is going fine. But I can’t figure myself starting work early in the morning yet, so I need my medically required part-time to be carried forward for at least six more months.
Regarding my mental health, it’s fine. I haven’t really been depressed or anxious in quite a long time, except when thinking about people who seem to have let me down, but c’est la vie.
There’s been quite a lot of anxiety in my life these days. I can’t tell exactly why. Strangely (and fortunately), it is not about work; on the contrary, I’m glad to have something to do in the afternoon other than spending my time in front of a computer.
On a positive side, I have continued to doodle for my personal satisfaction and welfare.
I wasn’t sure I would be able to draw a sketch a day for #inktober but it’s been 15 days now and I have my 15 drawings!
As for work, I had to make some things clear with the staff (like not giving me the same boring and repetitive task to do for half a working day!) and all seems fine now.
Windows 10 bugged so i can only use my mobile to blog. Today’s the end of my 1st working week after 2 years of health issues, recovering and healing and so far so good.
I should go back to work on Oct. 1st.
It would be part time on a first place.
I will be something between an archivist and a librarian, reading and filing newspapers, writing summaries and reviews and sharing them through the intranet.
I’m bored at home but going back to work after all the ordeals I went through is a bit scary. Everybody says it’s normal after all this time but I’ll be ok.
After almost 2 years of sick leave which reason I explain here I eventually helped as a volunteer at my parents workplace!
It was easy: filling administrative papers with the help of my mum but it helped me feel useful, busy and no more lonely.
Maybe I worked no more than an hour but it was a good kick start!
I have an appointement with an Expert psychiatrist this evening to determine whether I can get back to work after more than a year of sick leave.
Now the new job hasn’t been determined. I would start part time for a year and than see how it works (no pun intended).
I am anxious because of what happened in my last job and I often have bad dreams about me working in various fields (fields I experienced mostly) and being criticized for my lack of ability and skills.
On the other hand, I can’t spend my life at home watching Youtube and doing the chores – although it doesn’t feel so bad; I feel safe this way.
Anyway. We’ll see what the expert psychiatrist’s conclusion will be.
I realized I can’t project my future; it’s too scary. I have to enjoy the now, live one day after the other, be it good, bad or in between.
I know I have to think about my redeployment. I want to have this busy life again and I fear it at the same time. I just know I can’t stay at home for the rest of my life. I have bad dreams about working again, dreams that involve me being overwhelmed and unable to work properly. I hope this shall pass.