I haven’t read a novel in weeks (actually I’ve been reading the same book about laicity, and how to apply it in the French society, schools and workplaces without offending religious people – very interesting).
I haven’t drawn anything in a few days and I need practising again or my ability will remain unimproved.
Work is going fine. But I can’t figure myself starting work early in the morning yet, so I need my medically required part-time to be carried forward for at least six more months.
Regarding my mental health, it’s fine. I haven’t really been depressed or anxious in quite a long time, except when thinking about people who seem to have let me down, but c’est la vie.
I should go back to work on Oct. 1st.
It would be part time on a first place.
I will be something between an archivist and a librarian, reading and filing newspapers, writing summaries and reviews and sharing them through the intranet.
I’m bored at home but going back to work after all the ordeals I went through is a bit scary. Everybody says it’s normal after all this time but I’ll be ok.
This blog eventually got over 100 followers and though it’s only a blog, I am happy that people around the world enjoy participating in my virtual life and keep updated about my real life.
I use the internet a lot to keep in touch with friends bc they live in various cities and traveling has gotten dificult over the years with my hindering anxiety. Sometimes I feel I can take the train, but most days I’m not brave enough.
Apart from that, I have had no news of my friend with a brain tumor and I keep telling myself that she’s just on holiday, and not meander into darker thoughts about her condition. Worrying won’t help, so why worry?
I keep sketching here and then with an alteration in the quality from one sketch to another.
I did my nails at last. Nothing much thrilling to talk about. I go to the sales and eat out from time to time. Haven’t been able to reach my ill friend for a while, I try to tell myself that’s she’s just on holiday.
I have bad dreams, some more pleasant, I have bad moods, then better ones, I’m just alive, that’s it.
So I’m getting used to live without emotional excitment and turmoil.
My parents and bro are on holiday, so we go out together for summer shopping, eat out, and bathe in a small dismantable pool in our garden we bought a couple days ago.
I haven’t be able to reach my ill friend because she’s been busy which seems to be a good sign (she must feel good enough to do so much stuff). I sent her some snail mail.
I also found an older book from a well-known French feminist punk writer at the library and the reading is pleasant.
I cling to the little things. And it’s going ok.
PS: I’m slowly coming back to drawing and watercolour painting
After almost 2 years of sick leave which reason I explain here I eventually helped as a volunteer at my parents workplace!
It was easy: filling administrative papers with the help of my mum but it helped me feel useful, busy and no more lonely.
Maybe I worked no more than an hour but it was a good kick start!
Strangely, my long, deep, severe depression from the age of 12 till the age of 24 was something I had eventually accepted, forgiven to life/God/fortune/whatever and I no longer considered myself as a victim.
Then I had to go through another ordeal at the age of 30 (see My work burn out story) and it took me a long time to accept the physical and mental pain I went through.
Then I looked around me, and more specifically on the World Wide Web. People with disabilities that cause them pain 24/7 but who still smile and have hobbies and do stuff with friends. People with the worst mental illnesses (severe anorexia, schizophrenia…). People in a wheelchair not for 3 months and a half like I was, but for the rest of their life. And on TV: migrants who risked their lives and are now living in the worst sanitary conditions in my own country.
So I have started to accept that the excruciating ordeal I have been through happened and will always be a part of my already chaotic difficult existence. And I’m ready to go on with this past experience included in my life.
I may cry and complain and feel sorry to myself once in a while. But I will keep on living.
The day before yesterday was fine. I drew my former linguistics teacher’s caricature at her request and she shared it on her profile page; she laughed, people laughed, I laughed, well so told the LOL smileys that appeared on her profile page because I haven’t seen her flesh and blood for like…8 years? I had to guess what she looked like and after I made the caricature she sent me a recent pic as a reward. It made my day.
Yesterday I was so so at the beginning of the day and then became depressed with guilt feelings. The guilt increased when I kept thinking I had seducted a married man (aka Mr. Handsome) but then I tried to calm down and tell myself that nothing happened, he was clear about that point, he would not be “my first one” so, all right, I haven’t broken his couple and family, and I won’t, so chill girl!
Today was better. I didn’t do anything special, I stayed in front of my laptop a good while after taking shots of my ootd for my alt. style blog. Whilst yesterday I dragged myself along in the house in sweatpants, today I put on my beautiful steamlolita dress by Banned UK and an absolutely gorgeous officer jacket I thrifted.
I tried to do my nails, but I haven’t finished, may postpone it to tomorrow.
In a few hours I am going to see Mr Handsome again which is both exciting and a bit scary coz I had reached a balance in my life with hobbies and stuff and I hope my feelings and emotions won’t trouble my peaceful -though slightly boring- daily life. Anyway. I decided to dress lolita today. Specifically an AliceInWonderlandish lolita.
I obtained more sessions with Mr Handsome.
I wasn’t expecting it, but when I had a physical examination by an expert (for the Company insurance) he told me that my right arm, that I can’t stretch fully, could gain extending with physiotherapy. Now, I remember the manipulation of the arm was something quite painful. But the joy of seeing Mr Handsome again will be much stronger than the pain.