Good news

After agonizing about my friend’s health whilst not getting any contact with her, I eventually managed to join her on the phone yesterday. She’s entered a new medical protocol that seems to have been working so far, so fingers crossed.

As for me I’m getting in touch with friends again: my BFF and I met in my hometown a few days ago and on thursday a girl friend I met like 10 years ago on the WWW who I haven’t seen for a while is coming with her boyfriend.

fuckcancer

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Working on recovery

Sometimes you try hard to control your mind and your body to lift your spirits up instead of sinking. But let’s be honest, it’s hard: emotions, feelings are hard to control: One moment, you think of someone you miss but cannot see due to various reasons and your heart is instantaneously broken. Sometimes a series of memories of bad events come back striking into your face whilst you thought they were overcome. You want to feel safe and balanced and practise positive thinking but you feel it is not natural, obvious, spontaneous and it may not be working in the end. And yet you keep trying because you must survive, and to survive you need to make your life tolerable and even pleasant at times if possible.

thinkor not. But whatever, keep trying.

Back to work

1st day of work is tomorrow. I took a warm shower to relax and to not have to wash early in the morning. I try not to worry even if there is a dispute between me and the administration. I try to control my thoughts and emotions, I repeat myself that I decide which state I want to be in, worried or relaxed, stressed or serene. I am not sure I decide. I want to believe I do. That I have control. One thing’s for sure, I will feel really, really bad if I focus on anxious and negative thoughts. So I do my best not to.

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Regarding positive thinking

Thinking in a positive way is great.

Trying to get rid of the negative thoughts is great.

But sometimes asserting positive sentences won’t work on you if you suffer from severe depression, anxiety or phobias.

It is OK to listen to sad songs, they can help you push out the sadness that is inside you. I used to sing that kind of songs and it was like expressing all my pain away. It is also OK to write about how you feel to heal your wounds. Or to draw the monsters that torture you if you have drawing skills. Or to moan in therapy.

However it is good to also try and spend time with people who are fine and will assert positive things about you. Usually, when your self-esteem is really, really low, it is easier to believe good friends’ positive words about you than your own positive assertions. It is faith more than the assertions that help you get in a positive mindset. When you have gained strength and have started feeling better, positive thinking and higher self-esteem will become natural to you.

So, to summarize, don’t blame yourself for not being able to be and think “positive”. Express yourself first.

Contering negative thoughts

Everybody feels like shit once in a while.

Sometimes the old negative thoughts go through my mind again. But the new thing is I fight them. I don’t wallow into “I’m not good enough” or “my life sucks” thoughts. I convince myself I’m just feeling vulnerable at the moment and the thoughts are not objective. I try to count my blessings. Think about what I’m grateful for. And then I feel less shitty and frustrated. But most of all I tell myself: I’m going nowhere with negative thoughts. They make me useless and depressed. Lashing myself won’t make me a better person and seeing my life as shitty won’t improve it. SO I HAVE NO OTHER CHOICE THAN WORKING WITH POSITIVE THOUGHTS.

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Mind exercise

My psychological and emotional state fluctuates for no apparent reason . One day I am anxious and / or depressed from the morning onward; the following day goes well, oh it’s not heavens, but it ‘s okay. (Apparently) nothing special happened in the meantime. Today I enjoyed reading my favorite monthly magazine, this book on street art borrowed from the library, while waiting for the bus and while traveling in it. Drinking a cup of coffee in a diner. Finding a little card for my medievalist to write her on the pretext of wishing her a happy Halloween. And feeling hopeful for a while: A part-time job may be waiting for me.
I sometimes think : self- persuasion , positive thinking , I need to dig into it. As I’ve said before it was not possible in the past, My mind was too broken , too sticky. But the little antipsychotic might have done its job. And I have done mine . I think I need to continue taking this big white pill and repeat positive sentences at bedtime.

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