I’m stuck at home with the dog. It’s hard for me to go out except to take her for a walk because I feel like I’m not walking out alone (which is actually the case – I have my dog with me).
Those dreams haunt me every night: I’m a college student but I fail at everything and my schoolmates are harsh with me. In real life, I obtained my Degrees. Or I’m at work and I’m overwhelmed by the red tape. In real life I’m still on sick leave.
I’ve had panic attacks again.
And also, I keep thinking about “my downfall”. What if I had remained disabled? What if I was very badly handicaped? I mean not only being unable to walk, but even worse!
I have always said my life was shitty, at least since I was 12, but nowaday I surprise myself thinking – and believing! – that I am so lucky.
My back hurts once in a while and my right groin is painful when I cross my legs or lifts my right leg to get in the car. But I’m fine. Really. I’m lucky.
Can’t believe that in 3 days yet I will be undergoing surgery in Paris. If I’m lucky, I’ll be back to my hometown on my 2 feet for Halloween. I hadn’t realized my mum has stopped putting painkillers containing opium in my daily pill-box until today. I don’t know if she did it on purpose or just forgot. So I hurt, but it’s manageable. The worst part is putting on tights or leggings. Can’t raise or fold my right leg without feeling the pain of the broken femur. I’m eager to get the implant. Fingers crossed.
I’m always complaining. But today I had a good reason to do it. I had a terrible migraine last night, slept poorly. I was sicky all day. But I started to feel better around 11 am. And then I realized how happy I was…to just not suffer physically. I was so drowsy that I did not have anxiety today. I realized: “should I be sick physically to stop being sick mentally?” Hell no. I am going to enjoy the fact that I’m in good health.
I was too weak to do anything, so I listened to relaxing music, sometimes sleeping, sometimes meditating. And then I played the verses of the Bible (there’s actually a website where you can listen to records of the verses of the Bible. This way I could rest my eyes).
Of course I hate being sick. But it kind of taught me a lesson I hope I will remember.