Lucky

I’m stuck at home with the dog. It’s hard for me to go out except to take her for a walk because I feel like I’m not walking out alone (which is actually the case – I have my dog with me).

Those dreams haunt me every night: I’m a college student but I fail at everything and my schoolmates are harsh with me. In real life, I obtained my Degrees. Or I’m at work and I’m overwhelmed by the red tape. In real life I’m still on sick leave.

I’ve had panic attacks again.

And also, I keep thinking about “my downfall”. What if I had remained disabled? What if I was very badly handicaped? I mean not only being unable to walk, but even worse!

I have always said my life was shitty, at least since I was 12, but nowaday I surprise myself thinking – and believing! – that I am so lucky.

My back hurts once in a while and my right groin is painful when I cross my legs or lifts my right leg to get in the car. But I’m fine. Really. I’m lucky.

I have bad dreams/nightmares

For the past couple of months my sleep has been disturbed by unpleasant dreams, sometimes scary, sometimes depressing. I know my burn out experience, psych ward inpatient experience and my suicide attempt leading to a broken femur have been a huge trauma. It’s perfectly logical that my dreams – hence my subconscious – are expressing an inner turmoil. Not to mention that I’m worried about my ill friend.

Dreams range to colleagues/ex schoolmates bullying, telling me I’m worth nothing/do things the wrong way to evil spirits attacks nightmares, including my locking in a loony asylum against my will.

I hope the more I will talk to the shrink, the less my subconscious will create these bad dreams.

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