I’m stuck at home with the dog. It’s hard for me to go out except to take her for a walk because I feel like I’m not walking out alone (which is actually the case – I have my dog with me).
Those dreams haunt me every night: I’m a college student but I fail at everything and my schoolmates are harsh with me. In real life, I obtained my Degrees. Or I’m at work and I’m overwhelmed by the red tape. In real life I’m still on sick leave.
I’ve had panic attacks again.
And also, I keep thinking about “my downfall”. What if I had remained disabled? What if I was very badly handicaped? I mean not only being unable to walk, but even worse!
I have always said my life was shitty, at least since I was 12, but nowaday I surprise myself thinking – and believing! – that I am so lucky.
My back hurts once in a while and my right groin is painful when I cross my legs or lifts my right leg to get in the car. But I’m fine. Really. I’m lucky.
I don’t know if I addressed this problem before, but I have never really been in a romantic relationship with someone, be it a girl or a man.
There are however people who mean a lot to me in my life and for whom my feelings are confused and confusing.
All I want is to keep in touch.
But for some of them, it is already too much. One of them used to chat with me and support me and laughed with me on social media and then suddenly decided it was over.
Even the smallest I have/had is not for granted.
I only have romantic relationships in my dreams. How pathetic is that?
It was my parents’ last day off today and I hope I’ll be able to manage staying home alone. Maybe I’ll go back to the thriftstore that is open on every Tuesday. Meanwhile I went to a yardsale where I found a nice small chest/bench and the jewelry you can see on the picture above (It’s not gold, but yeah it’s nice and cheap).
I buy groceries. It’s an excuse to go out, wait for the bus, take one bus, two buses, shop for useful stuff and manage to kill time this way.
It’s sunny, it’s cool to go out under blue skies, I just feel a little lonely. Fortunately, I meet the best friend on Monday. And I spend the week end with my family. So far so good.