I keep repeating : “there’s been a before and an after“.
Before I completely cracked up at work, got very sick physically and mentally, despite all I had been through before (long, severe depression and anxieties w/ panick attacks for years) I felt like I wasn’t eventually broken.
I had forgiven myself and the Universe/God/whatever for the suffering. But that was before.
Now I am broken both mentally and physically (I have a hip replacement and my right elbow’s scar is just starting to heal). This doesn’t mean that my life is fucked up. Despite all the terrible ordeals (peeing every 5 min for almost a year in a row, this causing terrible insomnias and eventually my jumping from the top of a staircase for God’ sake!) I believe I can take a new start. But there is a trauma, and I am not sure this will totally be healed.